Are you looking for a last-minute festive gift to buy for a football-mad person in your life? Do you want it to be thoughtful yet ridiculous?
Well, fear not. I have scoured club shops far and wide to find the random, the strange and the extraordinary.
To any potential Scrooges about to tip-tap into the comments, please remember that this is a bit of festive fun. And, who knows, you might just find the ideal piece of club-branded merchandise for that special someone.
First up, let’s start with the Premier League leaders Liverpool.
Surely there is a Liverpool fan in your life crying out for a plush teddy that sort of, kind of, maybe doesn’t even really resemble Trent Alexander-Arnold, Dominik Szoboszlai or Darwin Nunez.
While Alexander-Arnold has his goatee, Nunez has his tattoos and Szoboszlai has two strands of hair and some teeth. His teeth (which are resplendent in real life) are creeping me out a little in teddy form, it has to be said. But I might be willing to overlook that because they all sing a crowd favourite fan song.
Who doesn’t want a singing teddy of one of their favourite Liverpool players for £22 ($29)?
And don’t just take my word for it — here’s how flying full-back Alexander-Arnold reacted to seeing himself immortalised in synthetic fibres.
@liverpoolfc A Christmas gift from Manny to Trent 🎁 #lfc #liverpoolfc ♬ original sound – Liverpool FC
Never forget to check the clearance bin at your local billionaire-owned football club. There are bargains to be found. Check out this Chelsea Hawaiian shirt with a matching beach towel.
Just because it is cold in London doesn’t mean you can’t brighten up Christmas with these Palm(er) trees.
Never mind stepping into Christmas, let’s step into Gunnersaurus’s world. OK, so Arsenal still currently have more kits for sale than items of Gunnersaurus merch, but that’s only because they release a new strip every few weeks.
Now, if you are a fan of the green dinosaur mascot that wobbles his way around the Emirates on gameday, then get a load of this: you can get Gunnersaurus eco teddies as well as a bag buddy, pillow, book, keyring, bobblehead and a ‘brick construction toy’. Look, here’s Gunnersaurus hitting the Jude Bellingham celebration.
GO DEEPER
The original Gunnersaurus on being let go by Arsenal after the suit gave his life fresh purpose
Pep Guardiola might rather be on a golf course than on the sidelines coaching Manchester City at the moment but his club have him more than covered for a secret Santa gift. There are Manchester City tees, pencils, golf balls, club covers, plus a glove and towel.
Maybe a better gift for Guardiola though would be this Oasis-inspired bucket hat. It might prevent him from scratching his head. Definitely? Maybe.
Arsenal have plenty of merchandisde for Gunnersaurus super-fans (Marc Atkins/Getty Images)
American colour-matching experts Pantone have announced their colour of the year for 2025 will be ‘Mocha Mousse’.
Even after that FA Cup win in May, it was never going to be Manchester United Red. But what does that matter when the two have collaborated on an entire collection?
You can get Manchester United and Pantone water bottles, a hip flask, umbrella, key chain and pencil cup.
Though the one gift that really catches my eye is the Manchester United-themed Monopoly board game. Why not spend hours playing, building up your riches and success only to watch it all get thrown off the table. Sir Alex Ferguson will know exactly how that feels.
The football under Sean Dyche might not always be hot to go. When Everton fans are roasting their turkeys this Christmas, however, they can safely do so with Everton oven gloves on hand.
Goodison Park might be shutting up shop in 2025 but one thing they can never take away from you are your trusty oven mitts.
According to the official description on Everton Direct, this is “an essential item for supporters’ households”. So, my question is this: Do you even support Everton if you don’t have a set?
I’m sorry Tottenham Hotspur but, no, not on my watch. This is completely unacceptable behaviour. You cannot be found to be selling a framed bit of goal net for 60 quid from the 2023-24 season when you did not win anything during that time.
Look, I am being cruel to be kind. The tradition of cutting the net and draping it around you is something done when a team wins a trophy. Until that day comes at Tottenham, recycle the goal nets or give them away.
If you have a garden and you are a Newcastle United fan, then why do you not already have a Geordie gnome keeping guard?
He is even showing that stereotypical north-east grit by wearing shorts. It would be more true to life if he had his top off though, wouldn’t it? A bit more like those Newcastle fans who grace our screens every now and then, unfazed by the coldest gales.
A year ago, Aston Villa fans didn’t just hope for Champions League football when making their end-of-year wishes. One Villa fan out there hoped for new car mats. And this year, that dream will also come true.
No car is complete without these sort of customised floor coverings. Wiping your feet on your club’s badge probably feels weird at first, but just go with it because you are gonna be the cool parent on the school run. That’s if anyone notices, or cares as much as you. But what does it matter? Villa are flying again and you, my friend, are motoring.
Aston Villa car mats – the perfect gift for your Lamborghini (Dan Mullan/Getty Images)
Picture this. You support Nottingham Forest. You are leaving the City Ground on a cold winter’s night. It is dark and you can barely see. Then you remember that for Christmas, one of the kids got you this nifty keyring that lights up. The light guides you home just like Coldplay told you it would.
And there is plenty more where this crest keyring came from. There’s one of the European Cup, too. And the Forest shirt.
It is not just Premier League clubs who are selling gnomes and bowls. I knew that our friends at Wrexham would have some intriguing bits on sale.
Are you a dyed-in-the-wool fan of Hollywood’s favourite Welsh club if you don’t have a customised tape measure in your shed? I wonder if Channing Tatum picked one up during his recent trip to the Racecourse Ground?
Off to Scotland now, and Celtic fans can buy a virtual plot of Celtic Park. But do they want to?
Having partnered with Sportli, who specialise in selling digital plots, Celtic have offered fans the chance of becoming owners of a ‘Piece of Paradise’. A donation from each purchase, which costs £29.99, will be donated to the club’s foundation.
However, it reminds me of buying a star for someone. Nobody can name a star or own one — I’m sorry, but they just can’t. This feels similar, particularly given the one-year ownership lease.
Meanwhile, over at Ibrox and Rangers have been selling rubber ducks — and selling them so well that they are now all out of ducks. Maybe someone is trying to get them in a row after Rangers’ painful defeat to Glasgow neighbours Celtic in the Scottish League Cup final on penalties at the weekend.
We know that Barcelona are doing everything they can to get Dani Olmo registered in January, but I didn’t think shifting diamonds like Del Boy would be one of them.
Yes, that’s right… Barcelona fans can buy a 0.5 carat diamond made from the carbon in the grass at the Spotify Camp Nou. I’m not 100 per cent sure how these are made, but there are 1,957 diamonds available and priced at £2,550 each. Oh, and let’s not forget each one comes with its own non-fungible token (NFT). That will be a key selling point in the year 2024, I’m sure.
If a 0.5-carat diamond isn’t enough for you, then Barcelona also have one-carat diamonds for sale. There are 57 up for grabs, costing €15,000 a piece.
What are Real Madrid selling? Bernabeu stadium grass from the 2021-22 season, of course. For £45, you can have your own pieces of what I can only presume is now dead grass given the plastic box they come in.
Back to England, and Bournemouth are really letting us all know they are a south-coast club with loads of nice beaches nearby thanks to the windbreaker they’re flogging.
Their pop-up beach shelter is on sale for £45 and would help keep your sandwiches safe from the sand. It can’t get more British than this, can it?
If you’re after a last-minute club-branded festive gift, consider yourself prepared.
