Welcome to Row Z, The Athletic’s weekly column that shines a light on the bonkers side of the game.
From clubs to managers, players to organisations, every Friday we’ll bring you the absurdities, the greed, the contradictions, the preposterousness and the oddities of the game we all love…
Manchester United brainstorming (imagined)
It’s been widely reported that Manchester United will host a barbecue instead of an open top bus parade if they win the Europa League this week.
How did they come to that conclusion? Fortunately Row Z has access to the club’s brainstorming (very much imagined) meeting…
Sir Jim Ratcliffe: “Hello everyone and welcome to today’s meeting regarding celebrations for avoiding relegation to the Championship.”
Events manager: “Erm, actually Mr Ratcliffe, it’s not for that.”
Ratcliffe: “Sir Jim, please. OK sorry, is this the meeting for what we do with those office rooms in the basement now that we’ve sacked a few dozen more staff?”
Events manager: “No, this is for the proposed celebrations should we win the Europa League.”
Ratcliffe: “The what? Oh right, OK yes. I suppose we should just in case.”
Sir Jim Ratcliffe talks with United’s technical director, Jason Wilcox (left) (Michael Regan/Getty Images)
Events manager: “Oh, before I forget, did we sort the tickets for families of the backroom staff for the final?”
Ratcliffe: “Yeah, yeah it’s sorted, Ruben’s paying for them.”
Events manager: “Great, OK so on the Europa celebrations, I know we’re belt tightening at the moment but after such a horrific season…”
Ratcliffe: “What do you mean horrific? The ticket sales have been incredible.”
Events manager: “Sorry I mean on the pitch. Yeah, we just think winning the Europa League, getting in the Champions League, the fans have really been through the mill this year and we’d like to celebrate what would be a huge achievement by giving them a day to remember, you know, to say thanks for their support.”
Amorim takes his team into next week’s Europa League final (Matt McNulty/Getty Images)
Ratcliffe: “Oh come on, you just don’t get it do you? We won’t become the most profitable club in the world by being nice to our customers. We’d have gone bust last week if I hadn’t put the concession tickets up to £66. We are cost cutting, people! Cost. Cutting.”
Events manager: “Well, sod it, what do you want instead then, a barbecue or something?”
(laughter around the room)
Ratcliffe: “Yes that’s it! Perfect. Keep it small, no fans invited, just the players. We’ll do it at the training ground. Get some hot dogs and burgers from Lidl and paper plates from Poundland. Take it out of petty cash. Oh and you just earned yourself a promotion.”
Events manager: “Do I get a pay rise?”
Ratcliffe: “Absolutely not, what am I, made of money? Right, I’m off to the super yacht. Great work team.”
FIFA running late
To FIFA now and a shambolic annual FIFA Congress, where eight European members of the council including UEFA president Aleksander Ceferin and FA president Debbie Hewitt walked out and didn’t return following a three-hour delay.
What caused the three-hour delay? FIFA president Gianni Infantino turned up late, having instead been in Doha and Qatar with U.S. President Donald Trump.
UEFA said changes to the meeting, which it labelled as “one of the most important meetings in world football”, were “deeply regrettable” and accused Infantino of “private political interests”.
UEFA, how dare you! Infantino would never put private political interests above those of the sport. Absolute heresy!
Anyway, perhaps the biggest letdown of all in Paraguay was Infantino — such a fan of self-identification, as he proved before the 2022 World Cup — somehow missing the chance to open his speech with: “Today, I am a puppet to Donald Trump. Today, I am late.”
Must do better, Gianni.
Infantino (finally) addresses Congress (Daniel Duarte/AFP via Getty Images)
Goodison memories
As Everton say goodbye to Goodison Park this weekend, Jordan Pickford shared his memories of the stadium. He didn’t disappoint.
Best song you’ve heard sung at Goodison? “England’s No 1”
The funniest thing you’ve seen happen at Goodison? “I had Covid so couldn’t play, but when that lad tied himself to the post against Newcastle — then we won deep into stoppage time!”
Pickford will be bidding farewell to Goodison (Carl Recine/Getty Images)
Watford, never change
Watford have got a new manager! Hurrah. It’s Paulo Pezzolano of course, who replaces Tom Cleverley and becomes Watford’s 19th permanent manager since Manchester United’s last Premier League title win in 2013.
“I know what this club stands for — its history, its people,” Pezzolano said after being unveiled. It stands for something else these days as well, to be fair, Paulo.
Anyway how did Watford find Pezzolano, who has plied his trade in Mexico, Brazil, Spain and his native Uruguay?
Well they used their very specific search criteria in the global managerial database.
Filters they ticked on included: enjoys a short-term challenge, happy to stay in hotels rather than buy a house, likes working with players from Italian club Udinese, doesn’t mind us using a picture of a corner flag instead of his face when announcing his sacking after a 1-1 home draw with Preston North End in October.
Simple.
Pezzolano during his stint at Real Valladolid (Juan Manuel Serrano Arce/Getty Images)
A lesson in humility
Charlton manager Nathan Jones after his team beat Wycombe Wanderers 1-0 in the League One play-off semi-finals on Thursday night: “It’s a squad game, you can’t win it with 11. We’ve got an excellent group and it takes humility.”
Also Jones as the full-time whistle was approaching:
All the emotions for Charlton manager Nathan Jones as the final whistle sounds at the Valley! 🥹 pic.twitter.com/SoAQrFDb8z
— Sky Sports Football (@SkyFootball) May 15, 2025
“Is that camera on me, yeah?”
The big Champions League play-off
And finally, enjoy the Europa League final folks. No team has ever won the UEFA Cup/Europa League and finished lower than 13th in their domestic league, but history is about to be made.
Not that winning a European trophy is about to salvage the reputation of either Ruben Amorim or Ange Postecoglou…
Ffs 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/xhDc9YUVca
— Gav (@WHLGav) May 12, 2025
(Top photo: Rudy Carezzevoli/Getty Images)